Text of President Bush’s Televised Address to the Nation

Illegal immigrants are the newly-found WMD

Embargoed until Monday, May 15, 8:00 pm

My fellow Americans,

In my years in office my utmost concern has been the security of the good American people against the forces of evil. That is my sacred obligation as your Commander in Chief.

I communicate with the All-Mighty on a daily basis, asking Him to help me, the good Vice President, and the good Secretary of Defense keep Americans safe. We, blessed by Him, are your triple-punch access to safety, your home team against the axis of evil.

For many years a major threat to our good country has been weapons of mass destruction, the evil WMD. Indeed, our good conventional and atomic defenses, our ways to Wip’em that Mess with Democracy, are meant to protect us good ones against evil WMD.

For many years my administration has been searching for evil WMD that threaten our good way of life. That is what the good Global War on Terror is all about. It’s about looking for evil WMD everywhere — and continuing to look for evil WMD everywhere — until every evil WMD is gone from the face of the earth. That is my solemn pledge to the good American people.

Thanks to our good dedicated men and women in uniform, we now know that there are no evil WMD in Iraq. For that great achievement I also thank you, the good American people. How can I ever forget our joint celebration of that holy triumph when I landed on the good aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, greeted so enthusiastically by our good military and filmed so patriotically by the good folk from FOX. In my flight suit, I could hear you all cheering me on as you sat in front of your TVs at home.

Thanks to our mission accomplished in Iraq, we are determined to continue our good war against evil WMD. With the approval of the good American people, that crusade today is being fought here at home more than ever. The millions of telephone calls that our now good, reformed intelligence community carefully analyzes every second give us more and more leads about evil WMD — actual or potential.

Let me cite an example of our success. The good Martha Hsubdam, of Topeka, Kansas, called her good sister in law Mary in Cincinnati, Ohio. She said that her not-so-good teenage son Joe, without telling her about it, was fooling around with an evil new computer “game” called “Terror is an Error.” Our good folk at the National Security Agency, always on the alert, intercepted that phone conversation. Not-good Joe is now in a good maximum security jail, serving a ten-year sentence. If he weren’t in prison, not-good Joe would have grown a bad beard, joined the evil Al Qaeda, and started making evil WMD. But the good NSA prevented this. With these good preemptive methods, which we used so well in Iraq, they stopped not-good Joe before he could do any harm to the good American people with evil WMD. Such good, dedicated law enforcement is what makes me sleep good at night, after I’ve read my Bible, said my prayers, and kissed my good Laura good night.

We have achieved great successes in the crusade against evil WMD. And now, my fellow Americans, I must make a major, historic announcement: That, thanks to our tireless efforts, new evil WMD have been found — and can be overcome. I can confirm what good Vice President Dick Cheney suspected all along: There are evil WMD near, and indeed inside, our very own good American border. I, as your Commander in Chief, am taking immediate steps to protect you from these evil WMD. Trust me, under God.

As CIA satellite images have proved without the shadow of a doubt, these evil WMD are of the “illegal immigrants” (IE) type, not to be confused with IED (Improvised Explosive Devices). These WMD pose great dangers. Worst of all, they do not speak English and if they do, they have a Spanish accent. Some of them even want to sing the National Anthem in Spanish. Sometimes they wave non-American flags at demonstrations. They also work at jobs Americans don’t want and they have children.

These WMD are a major threat to our good homeland. So, to stop them from coming into our country from not-good Mexico, I am deploying thousands of our good National Guard along the border. Rest assured: This should keep evil WMD out and keep the good American people safer — and morally better — than ever.

I thank you for your support. May God continue to bless America as we come closer and closer to total victory over evil WMD in the good Global War on Terror.

John Brown, a former Foreign Service officer who practiced public diplomacy for more than 20 years, now compiles the "Public Diplomacy Press Review," which can be obtained free by e-mail by clicking at
http://www.uscpublicdiplomacy.org/index.php?/newsroom/johnbrown_main